Honest thoughts on a Thursday evening
I miss community. I miss people. I miss a space for creativity. Honest community. Not the “look how amazing I am” or “we are such a fancy group of people” kind of community. Since I was sixteen I have been so full of dreams, full of certainty what life will look like one day. The older I get, the harder it is to not let the frustration of not yet having arrived at that big picture, crush the parts of it that I am already living. When I speak to other people, it is unbelievably hard for me to articulate what I feel. It’s like a carousel ride that never stops, hardly slows down. Some days the music is nice, the sun is shining, it’s fun and lovely and even though I’m scared, I enjoy the ride. Other days it’s going so fast, I can’t even tell the direction, does it go back, does it go forth? It’s spinning and spinning, every day the same and even though I try my hardest to slow it down, to enjoy the view, the colors, the sound, the speed and disorientation make me sick. I’m a very happy person, very hopeful everyone would easily be able to tell you that I’m great at helping others to not give up. To dream and to go after exactly the life they feel made for. But oh, let me tell you, on the days the carousel is spinning I feel lost. Even if only for a moment and I might be certain again after a few hours, but in these moments all I want is the world to be a different place. It’s not about giving up. I never once thought about giving up building the life I want. I just spin around the fact, that it’s so hard to build a creative business in this country. That there’s so little space for beauty and slowness and gathering and just living. I spin around the fact that I have to be free (in terms of a job), to be able to build a family the way I dream of. I spin around the fact that I spend so much time and space in creating the life I dream of, that sometimes I’m so exhausted in the life I’m living now. Some people might think: “WHAT THE HECK DO YOU WANT?!” “You live in a great country, a save country. You have enough money to live. You have a beautiful home. You are married to the sweetest man. You are brave enough to try going after your dreams. What is it you’re still missing?”
So let me tell you what my heart desires. My heart desires family and love, first and foremost. I have half of that, for which I am the most thankful for of all things in my life. But there is a deep desire inside my heart to fill the other half, with sweet little footsteps on the floor. I am patient to wait till the time is right (better than now), and I do enjoy my sweet time alone with him. Still, it’s a longing I can’t switch off, and it sure scared the heck out of me when Endometriosis came up. Family is all I ever wanted. To be a mother and a wife. That sure sounds pretty traditional, but I really never desired anything as much as being a mom. All that I do, all that I work at has the goal to build a family life of freedom, flexibility, time, space and love. I also long for a way, a community to share my creativity. To find like-minded people who will push me to free my creativity, to explore it. A save place. A kind place. There are a lot of creative people here. But I don’t feel included in that “community” and I don’t know it is what I am searching for. I am looking for a space to be honest and raw, to hold each other up, get each other further and to work together on building the lives we dream of. And we sure lack that in a business, money, and success-driven country like Switzerland. I long to have the flexibility to design my own time schedules, to live freely. To spend time with the ones I love and do it fully, to work on projects and to do so fully. To not worry about ever being able to live from this. To not worry about ever being able to stop the damn carousel have a walk and get back on it whenever I please.
This is the way I am wired. I don’t know why, no idea why I imagine life to look like this and only like this. No idea why ever thing else doesn’t make any sense. But… As always, when the carousel won’t stop going round and round I will hold on to everything I know to be good and sweet and lovely. I will hold on to that I have never been closer to it than now. I will hold on to all the beautiful, and sweet things I am blessed to have in my life. I try to be grateful that I even have the chance to choose and dream what life should look like for me. I just need to be patient. I just got to be patient… In all of that god is my great comfort. Helping me that those spinning moments only hold on for just a tiny while. Helping me to almost always see beauty again after just a night's rest. Seeing the light again, the forest, the love, my home, all the things I know to be good and sweet and lovely.
If you ever feel any of this or can relate to all of it, I want to tell you: I know you, I understand you, I feel you oh so deeply, I feel the frustration, the fear, the pressure, the yearning, the innocent wish for simplicity and beauty. I feel your hopefulness and your resistance. I am certain, that if we are made for a life like this, we will arrive there. Any time soon! Life as much of it as you can now. Today. And just hold on to every sweet moment very very tightly.
Warmly,
Kim